It is difficult to imagine a more perfect Easter Sunday morning. I awoke to tempertures in the upper 60’s and clear skies. It’s a little warmer than usual this time of the year. Global warming, no doubt. The polar ice-cap melting should have water knee-deep here in a week or so…
Until them, it’s part of my morning routine to read the local newspaper. With the internet, I find that I seldom read a national or world news story in the paper that I haven’t already seen on the Web. The local paper, though, is my gate in to local and regional news and stupidity.
Like birth announcements.
This week we have thirty-nine announcements from two hospitals.
Leading off, we have the spelling-challenged. these fine folks either don’t know how to spell the name they chose for their progeny of they figured that spelling it differently will somehow confer additional stature upon the child.
Kelly and John V—— have a new daughter, Kassidy Gayle. This is fairly common. EVERYBODY knows that REAL class comes in when you use a “K” instead of a “C” in a contrived name.
Sandy and William M—— know the same thing. They named their daughter Kaydence LeeAnn. Note, however, that they threw an extra capital letter into the middle name. Just oooozes class!
Miss Kimberly M—– has a new daughter whose name begins with a “K”, too, little Kennedi Jade. Note that Miss Kimberly used an “i” at the end of “Kennedi”. This is a particularly wise move. It distances the child from connections to a northeastern clan of womanizing drunken woman-killers. It also gives the little girl a lifetime of opportunity to sign her name with little hearts and stars and smiley-faces to dot that “i”. Miss Kimberly seems to be missing the baby’s daddy, though.
There is some fascination, apparently, in using the syllable “Ma” in a name. Here are a couple of examples:
Miss Rebekah D—- has a new daughter named Makalan Claire. Miss Jessica J—— has anew daughter named Makenzi Ann-Nicole. I’m about to chuck maguts…
Ann-Nicole? You gonna name your kid after a notorious slut? Now that’s a fine start. Okay, maybe we’re just keeping things consistent. Mom couldn’t figure out who the daddy was anyway, apparently…
Now we get to gaze into the punctuation bunch. They feel a need to throw in an apostrophe or two in the midst of a contrived name. I have yet to get a good read on why this is popular with a certain segment of the population, but it is. Here are a few:
Marcus and Amari G——- have a new daughter, little Amari Re’elle.
Mitchell and Janice S—- have a new son, Dakota Jo’lee. Cool! Name the kid for an Indian tribe and a noted slut.
Terry M——- and Staci H——- have a new daughter, Dy’Amond Terrynae. Notice that these parents subscribe to the “capitalize the first letter after the silly-assed punctuation mark” rule.
And finally, we go to the names that make you go “huh?”
Miss Heather B—– and Mr. Kenneth S—- have a new daughter, Laikyn Araceli. “Laikyn”. Cute. (1) contrived. (2) Got the “i” to do the smiley-face, heart and star dots over. (3) threw in a “y”. But the middle name? What in the name of God’s green earth is an “araceli”?
Miss Naikema G—– has a daughter, little Naikesha Jikema. What she don’t have is the name of the baby’s daddy.
And finally, we have Donald and Casey P—– who celebrate their love of the letter “Y” in the birth of their son, little Tylyn Roshell.
One last one for the road… Chad and Marla C—— ahve a new son who they named Jax Edward. I am taken by this tribute to the now-defunct Jackson Brewing Company whose New Orleans brewery supplied “Jax” beer.
Okay. That’s it, folks… Have a good week…
Yep. I remember Jax beer. Only worse beer was Progress which was an Oklahoma beer brewed from Bison piss
I remember Jax, but when we lived in New Orleans, my parents drank “Falstaff”. I’m pretty sure they don’t make it anymore either.
Apparently, there are lots of Hispanic women with the name “Aracely.” Just not with the heart/smiley-faced-studded “i.” There’s a couple in my workplace with that name. Have no idea what it is Spanish for, though.
Back in 1974, I bought Jax beer for $3.99 a case in Florida. It wasn’t too bad, at least not for the price.
Loved this – my roommate and I are constantly amazed (if that is the right word) at the names the people on Maury come up with for their children…not that I watch Maury…everyday…twice…on TiVo…
Actually there are a LOT of Araceli-with-an ‘i’ s out here in my neck of the woods (southern CA) — mainly Hispanic — there were 2 in my daughter’s kindergarten class c. 1983 and I come across it regularly amongst my patients and younger co-workers. The rest of’em –sheesh! Class all the way. Check out the social security web page for the most common names of any given year — THERE (I edited this rather thanlet Marianne live with what it WAS — MC) are actually people who’ve named their kids things like ESPN and Courvaisier and don’t forget the ever popular Cash Monee. :-)
Ahem, cough, cough, speaking of spelling … THERE are actually people … etc. etc.
While I giggled when I first read this, the more I thought about it, the more I see it as very insensitive. Names for children are chosen by parents to confer a special status on the precious new life they have just made. Each child is unique and the parents wish them to be unique and to feel unique as they grow up. Some names may seem different to us who are used to mainstream cultural or religious practice. But what is mainstream for us may not be for others of different backgrounds. Please don’t belittle their uniqueness with trivialities about their names.
Jay–
I’ll be back with more if they’re in tomorrow’s paper.
If you don’t like it, don’t read it… Your option…
MC