| Q: Where can single men over the age of 70 find younger women who are interested in them? |
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction. |
| Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? |
A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you’re done, you will have a place to live. |
| Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-70 year-old husband? |
A: Tell him you’re pregnant. |
| Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles? |
A: Take off your glasses. |
| Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow’s feet and all those wrinkles on my face? |
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out. |
| Q: Why should 70-plus year old people use valet parking? |
A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car |
| Q: Is it common for 70-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage? |
A: Storing memory is not a problem. Retrieving it is the problem. |
| Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly? | A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon. |
| Q: Where should 70-plus year olds look for eye glasses? |
A: On their foreheads. |
| Q: What is the most common remark made by 70-plus year olds when they enter antique stores? |
A: “Gosh, I remember these!” |
Category Archives: Evil Old People
God’s plan for Seniors
Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.
So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember its God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older:
#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually transmitted.
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can’t tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years unless you give them your email address.
#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2 In the 60’s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do here, today, may be a burning issue somewhere else, tomorrow.
Please share this wisdom with others while I go to the bathroom …
Dinosaur Tracks
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE 1930’s, 40’s, and 50’s !!
First, we survived being born to mothers who may have smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn’t get tested for diabetes. Then, after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets, And, when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps,not helmets, on our heads.
As infants and children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes..
Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat. (Nothing special about it. The cab didn’t have enough seats.)
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. (Hell, we used to drink from the cattle trough. Thirsty is thirsty!)
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter, and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And we weren’t overweight. WHY? Because we were always outside playing…that’s why!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day … And, we were OKAY.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Play Stations, Nintendos and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVDs, no surround-sound or CDs, No cell phones, No personal computers, No Internet and No chat rooms.
WE HAD FRIENDS And we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from those accidents.
We would get spankings with wooden spoons, switches, ping-pong paddles, or just a bare hand, and no one would call child services to report abuse.
We ate worms, and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, 22 rifles for our 12th (actually, we got shotguns), rode horses, made up games with sticks and tennis balls, and – although we were told it would happen – we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of … They actually sided with the law!
These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers, and inventors ever. The past 60 to 85 years have seen an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
So, if YOU are one of those born between 1925-1955, CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.
While you are at it, forward it to your kids, so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn’t it ?
(Shamelessly stolen from Nobody Asked Me)
My future…
An old Engineer named Geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic, despite having no medical background.
He put a sign up outside that said: “Dr. Geezer’s clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000.”
Doctor “Young,” who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.
Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??”
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”
Dr. Young: “Aaagh !! — This is Gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Dr. Young: “Oh, no you don’t, — that is Gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back . That will be $500.”
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back again a few days later, figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: “I have lost my hearing, I cannot hear anything.”
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Dr. Young: “Hey! That’s the same box number you always call for!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your hearing back . That will be $500.”
Dr. Young (after having now lost $1500) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days just to recover at least SOME of his money, but also to prove his point.
Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak — I can hardly see anything!!!!”
Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so, ” Here’s your $1000 back.” (giving him a $10 bill)
Dr. Young: “But this is only $10!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”
Moral of story — Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an “old Geezer”
Remember: Don’t make old people mad. We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to tick us off.
A retiree’s last trip to Kroger
Yesterday I was at Kroger buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had? An elephant?
So because I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Kroger won’t let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
(From a friend in another world)
Shave and a haircut
An old man walks into the barbershop for shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he’s finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’s had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball. Continue reading Shave and a haircut
New word for us old farts
Exhaustipated: Just too tired to give a s**t
(From a post on CSP Gun Talk by old friend John Sukey)
Hypnosis at the Senior Center
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, “I’m here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.”
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful, antique pocket watch from his coat.
“I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for six generations.”
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch…. ”
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off of its polished surface. Hundreds of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into pieces.
“SHIT!” said the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.
Claude was never invited back.
(From an email from good friend Mike)
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
I know it’s coming up on Halloween. Indeed, many cities will encourage the celebration this evening, and trick or treating will take place.
I also know that there is a certain segment of my readership that are (ahem!) part of the ‘mature’ population like me, and sometimes we get some strange ideas. In an attempt to raise our awareness, please let me offer a bit of advice:
Top Signs That You’re Too Old to Trick or Treat …
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, “What a scary mask!” but you’re not wearing a mask!
5. When the door opens you yell, “Trick or…” and can’t remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
and last but not least…
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live. (My particular favorite)
(From one of THOSE emails)
The Circle of Life
A Beautiful Message About Growing Older
I hope this message has the same effect on you as it did on me – then my passing it along will be worth the effort.
Walk with me by the water (worth the read…)
A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLDER:
The Joy of Animal Sounds
A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa’s room …
“Grandpa, Grandpa,” she says excitedly, “As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!”
“What?” said her Grandpa.
“Make a noise like a frog – because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney World!”
(From an email from good friend Bob!)
A Modest Proposal
(with apologies to Jonathan Swift)
So you’re a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you, what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot four Congressmen.
Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need!
Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They’re all covered.
And, as an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now.
And who will be paying for all of this???
Its the same government that just told you that you they cannot afford for you to go into a home. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don’t have to pay any income taxes anymore.
Is this a great country or what?
(From a post on Cast Boolits by “300winmag”)
Geezer joke
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.
It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Easy, William, we won’t be long, easy, boy.”
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, “It’s okay, William, just a couple more minutes, and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William.”
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She said to the elderly gentleman, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”
“Thanks,” said the grandfather, “but I’m William . . . the little s**t’s name is Kevin.”
(From a post on CSP Gun Talk by “C5M1”)