Rules for stray cats

I admit it. I am a cat-lover. I just as well be, because I am owned by three of them. Cats are very complex creatures and must be properly handled.

Here are the rules for handling a stray cat.

  1. Stray cats will not be fed.

  2. Stray cats will not be fed anything, except dry cat food.

  3. Stray cats will not be fed anything, except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.

  4. Stray cats will not be fed anything, except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.

  5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.

  6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with, picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.

  7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.

  8. Stray cats with or without a name, will not be allowed inside the house at any time.

  9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house, except at certain times.

  10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house, except on days ending in “y”.

  11. Stray cats allowed inside, will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.

  12. Stray cats will not be permitted to, jump up on or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.

  13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture, but must sharpen claws on new sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.

  14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.

  15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh’n’Sweet kitty litter.

  16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan, with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.

  17. Stray cats will sleep outside.

  18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.

  19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.

  20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.

  21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with non-allergenic lambs wool pillow.

  22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.

  23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.

  24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.

  25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers, except at the foot.

  26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.

  27. Stray cats will not play on the desk, near the computer.

  28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk, when the human is

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    USING IT.

Why did the chicken cross the road?


Iraqi chicken

Coalition Provisional Authority: The fact that the Iraqi chicken crossed the road affirmatively demonstrates that decision-making authority has been transferred to the chicken well in advance of the scheduled June 30th transition of power. From now on the chicken is responsible for its own decisions.

Halliburton: We were asked to help the chicken cross the road. Given the inherent risk of road crossing and the rarity of chickens, this operation will only cost the US government $326,004.

Muqtada al-Sadr: The chicken was a tool of the evil Coalition and will be killed.

US Army Military Police: We were directed to prepare the chicken to cross the road. As part of these preparations, individual soldiers ran over the chicken repeatedly and then plucked the chicken. We deeply regret the occurrence of any chicken rights violations.

Peshmerga: The chicken crossed the road, and will continue to cross the road, to show its independence and to transport the weapons it needs to defend itself. However, in future, to avoid problems, the chicken will be called a duck, and will wear a plastic bill.

1st Cav: The chicken was not authorized to cross the road without displaying two forms of picture identification. Thus, the chicken was appropriately detained and searched in accordance with current SOP?s. We apologize for any embarrassment to the chicken. As a result of this unfortunate incident, the command has instituted a gender sensitivity training program and all future chicken searches will be conducted by female soldiers.

Al Jazeera: The chicken was forced to cross the road multiple times at gunpoint by a large group of occupation soldiers, according to eye-witnesses. The chicken was then fired upon intentionally, in yet another example of the abuse of innocent Iraqi chickens.

Blackwater: We cannot confirm any involvement in the chicken-road-crossing incident.

Translators: Chicken he cross street because bad she tangle regulation. Future chicken table against my request.

U.S. Marine Corps: The chicken is dead.

Navy: The chicken upon crossing the road was painted, polished, secured to the deck and a chicken watch added to the WQS bill.

Baghdad Bob: The chicken never crossed the road! He is safe in Baghdad, miles from the marauding vehicles of the infidel! THERE IS NO ROAD!

USAF: “As you can see here in the target video, the bomb was locked onto the chicken…and there it goes…the chicken is still moving…still moving…and unfortunately passed out of the parameters of the guidance system so that the bomb completely missed it and hit the weasel instead. Gotta admit thought, it’s impressive footage…”

Kerry: “The chicken crossed the road before it did not”

(Blatantly ripped off from CSP Gun Talk, where it was posted by good friend Tommy Johnson, who is a REAL engineer, no sh*t!, in a plant that makes stuff that would make a tree-hugger blanch!)

Ramblings on “Sniper” Rifles and shooting in general

Rifle shooting can be an artform, a religion, a job, or just an interesting hobby. I did it as a job for a while, got Army buck sergeant pay to show up at the range every day and become a more than passingly competent shooter. But before that, it was a hobby, and after that, it’s still a hobby.

I am fast nearing the end of my self-imposed summer shooting hiatus. It’s just too d*mned hot to go stand out in the sun to shoot recreationally on the Gulf Coast, in my opinion, so from June through September, I shoot very little. Cooler days are coming, though, and I’ll be at it again.

Now, on to the subject matter, the “sniper” rifle thing. Let’s get something straight. There are “snipers” and there are SNIPERS. In one sense of the term, any one who shoots from cover is a sniper, and therefore any rifle he uses is by default a sniper rifle. That’s pretty much the media take on it: some “insurgent” with an AK-47 leans out a window and cracks off a burst in the general direction of American troops, the news hears about it, it’s “sniper fire”, when a more accurate military term might be “harassing fire”. Of course, if I was the soldier in the general direction of said rifle fire, I’d call it sniper fire myself. You never know when one of those goat-molesters might get lucky. As the saying goes, I’m not concerned about the bullet with my name on it. It’s the ones addressed “To whom it may concern” that bother me.”

A step up from that is today’s military’s designated marksman. It’s a sad state that the general marksmanship capabilities have degraded to the point that one guy in the bunch has the designation that he’s supposed to be able to actually aim at a target and expect to hit it.

And then there’s the REAL sniper: Specially trained and equipped, this guy and his spotter are a team that uses stealth, fieldcraft and precision shooting capabilities to eliminate specific targets at long ranges.

As for what constitutes a REAL sniper rifle, our military has settled on a bolt-action rifle of robust design and caring assembly, but I want to make one thing clear: I see a lot of “sniper” and “tactical” rifles show up at the range, and along with them I see some very disappointing results. What gives? Having the right wrench doesn’t make you a mechanic.

Much more important than the absolute perfect rifle is a shooter who can take THE RIFLE HE HAS to the limits of its capability. Simply put, a man with a rifle which can hold two inches at a hundred yards is going to be absolutely deadly out to six hundred yards if he can shoot so well as to add only an additional half-inch of human error. Far more common is the guy who buys rifle and ammo which can hold an inch at a hundred yards but because of his lack of training and understanding, he adds an additional three to four inches of error.

Me, I’m NOT a sniper. I’m just an old Cajun who likes rifles. I have a few good ones. I have a scoped Armalite AR-10 which I have proven will do less than an inch group at a hundred yards with good FACTORY ammo, so when I lay myself down in a good prone position and go after a six-inch target at 200 yards, the only way a miss is made is if **I** don’t do my part. If I HAD to be a sniper, I would not feel too bad if this was the rifle I had to do it with, although many an “expert” sniper would sneer at this semi-auto rifle.

I’ve got a Springfield Armory M-1A (harking back to the M-14 I carried in Korea before the Army forced the M-16 on us) that will hold the 12-inch ten-ring of an NRA highpower rifle target at 600 yards. Of course, the best ten-shot score I’ve ever managed to get out of it is 92, because I am the weakest link in the man-rifle equation. A modified M-14 has been used as an “official” sniper rifle in the services before. And a good one will darned sure do the job. This one would, if (big if…) I decided to put a scope on it.

What I don’t have is the official-looking sniper or tactical rifle, bolt action, huge scope, synthetic stock, maybe a bipod. Just ain’t my thing, you know…

Final word. If your’e of a mind to emulate a sniper, learn how to shoot first, then talk about it… If you want to be taken seriously, don’t show up at the range wearing black BDU’s, a big black rifle with a scope sufficient for tracking asteroids, and a full set of tactical webgear, and the proceed to demonstrate your prowess by putting ten shots in a 6-inch circle at a hundred yards and circling three that are closer together and declaring them your “group”.